The Birds, The Bees & Insecticides
Sex is an incredibly powerful form of connection. It I can either be the source of endless hours of pleasure and love, or it can tear us down to our core with hard challenges. These are conversations you can have with new lovers to make sure that both of you are safe, and that your experience is loving.
I know, its a lot, and when used they will rock your world allowing for more free uninhibited joyful sex. These don’t have to happen all at once, or any particular order. They can happen over the course of a few dates, or quickly as you are taking off each others clothes. Once you start using them, you’ll quickly understand how powerful they can be. One thing you will find from these conversations is that each holds it own emotional weight. When they are all lifted the body is more available to receive pleasure and sex itself is enriched.
THE Safe Sex Conversation
Ok, you are safe, attracted, and ready to get naked! Time for the other safe sex conversation.
The OTHER Safe Sex Conversation
Well, I couldn’t say it better so just watch this video by Steve Bearman, Ph.D
It is important to note that he did miss two important parts to this conversation.
One: You can’t assume that what sex means to them will stay the same. Check with them afterwards to see if things have changed for them. Maybe when you started they just wanted to have fun, but somewhere between A and B they started to fall in love with you and become more attached. Everyone can change their mind whenever they want and it is a good idea to make sure your lover knows where you are at, even if the only word you can use is “confused.”
Two: This conversation works best if both parties are clear about their personal meanings and don’t try to combat or change the other persons positions. This is a great opportunity to explore who it is you are attracted to and their beliefs with curiosity, but trying to convince another to adopt your meaning of sex can invite in the the drama you are trying to avoid in the first place.
Let Your Bodies Speak
Yay, you are with this amazing, sexy lover and can’t wait to discover all sorts of new ways to pleasure one another.
Is their body ready?
What is it ready for?
It is important to make sure that your partner is relaxed and aroused and ready. Essentially it comes down two things.
First making sure that your partner body is saying yes too. A lot of pain and discomfort, both emotional and physical, can be avoided by making sure to have this little non-verbal conversation. Its is far too common for people to move to quickly into intercourse, or even foreplay, in ways that are uncomfortable for their partner. Some women can take up to 40 min of stimulation before they are aroused enough for comfortable intercourse. All of this shifts based on the time of the month for women, stress, and how connected your partner feels with you before sex.
Second make sure the type of sex you are engaging with is comfortable and exciting for your partner. It is very important with new partners to engage with a lot of curiosity as to just how their bodies like to receive stimulus and how their bodies tell you when it isn’t feeling good anymore.
Take a peak at my article on incredible sex to learn more about this conversation: here.
The Aftercare Conversation
“That was incredable! Is there anyting I can do for you to feel really loved in this moment?” People can be in very different spaces after sex. They can be ready to jump off to work, go to sleep, or they can really need to be held, loved and cherished. After sex it is very important to check in with your own needs and the needs of your lover. Always make sure each partner gets the care and attention afterwards that they need to feel safe and cherished. Remember, sometimes aftercare can be the most important, nourishing and beautiful part of a sexual experience. This is an important time to take responsibility. If you are someone who really flourishes on aftercare, then have sex when there is time afterwards for you. Not right before your lover has to go to work, or at 2 am. Learn about your needs, the needs of your partner, and be mindful of how you can support each other.
This can also be a great conversation to have before having sex. “I’m so excited! Do you have any needs after sex?” Let you partner know what type of experience you expect after sex. You don’t have to break it down with a check list and charts (unless that is your thing!), but even a statement as simple as “it is really important to me to cuddle after sex,” can go a long way. This can be a perfect time to relax with your lover. Read a book together. Take a long luxurious bath together. Kiss endlessly. Whatever. Just like sex itself, a perfect opportunity to constantly explore new ways to create love. I encourage you to be playful, sensual, creative, and lavish.