Control and Connection



Photo Credit: Robin Main

A practical guide to control.

There are few experiences as powerful as the pulsing rhythms of a body exploding into an orgasm, when so close and intimately connected your lover as he or she shakes and shutters and clenched and releases and absolutely looses themselves to you. Then again, when climbing to the top of a mountain one constantly discovers that what once looked like the top is just where the grade shifted slightly and there is much more to go.

Orgasm’s are physical things. Our bodies go though this process when the body and mind are stimulated correctly. There is, however, another peak. Connection. Because men and women bodies respond differently to having an orgasm, it can be very helpful for biological men to develop more control over themselves and prolong having an orgasm as a way of opening space for connection. Here we are going to discuss how.

For simplicities sake I am going mostly write in respect to a heterosexual couple with a biological man and woman. These principles can be used by anyone regardless of genders, and can be applied to any relationship. I will not specifically address premature ejaculation (common evaluation within 1 min of penetration) as that gets into more complexity. With that said, lets get started!

” Everyone knows you can think of something not sexy, like baseball, and that will help prolong having an orgasm. This works, but you are not making love with someone to think about baseball.”

The more sensitive you become the more you learn to listen. There becomes a clear distinction between two people masterbating each other and two people making love. A healthy relationship probably has both at times. Women, as a whole, tend to be able to have multiple orgasm, can sometimes take longer, and many will not feel the full power of an orgasm if it comes too quick, or is only their first. They also don’t tend to “crash” after an orgasm. This makes it eaiser to have deep connections of love making with intermitten orgasms along the way. Men, however, have a temporary crash after an orgasm. Now technically men can have multiple orgasms the way women do without this crash by seperating orgasms from ejaculation. The steps outlined here will help with both.

Men can learn over time how to prolong their own orgasms. Everyone knows you can think of something not sexy, like baseball, and that will help prolong having an orgasm. This works, a little, but you are not making love to someone to think about baseball. It also doesn’t work that well. These steps are about learning to have complete control while staying connected to the experience and your lover. These steps show how to have deeper more fulfilling orgasms yourself, and even the joy, pleasure, and intensity of sex without orgasms. As a result you can experience many types of sex from the loose youself to lust crazy and quick sex all the way to hours of deep connection riding waves of energy and ecstacy, or tantric practices where you and your partner divert the orgasmic energy into a form of meditation spiritual union.

Let’s get started!



Build Muscle

There is a physical and an energetic side to these practices. For the physical side you need to be able to stop the process of ejaculation. This requires strengthening your pubococcygeus muscle (PC muscle). These are often referred to as kegel exercises. I have found the most practical is practicing when you go pee. You do the exercise simply by stopping midstream. Try at different stages. See what is harder and easier. Play with it. Get to a point where you stop quickly and you are always in complete control no matter how badly you need to go. This will be easier for some than others. It is more than just being able to though. It is about getting to a point where it doesn’t take too much thought or energy. Some will practice for months, others will get it very quickly. Doesn’t really matter, as the next phase takes time. There are other ways to develop these muscles too. Some suggest just squeezing for prolonged periods of time. I found this method is best because a good routine insures daily practice as most people need to pee every day!



QI Gong

No, not the only practice that can work, but I know this works. Qi Gong teaches a lot about energy. For our purpose we will focus on learning to cultivate energy in one part of our body and move it to another. It is much easier to learn to do this away from sex.
Make sure you practice every day for a few months and/or until you have developed control. I invite you to practice long after, but this is a step you can’t skip in the process. These videos can help start, but I encourage you to explore more. Find practices that resonate with you and focus on cultivatin energy in one part of your body, then moving it to antoher. Moving your hands, your gaze, your focus; all of these are subtle acts that can work with moving energy. Going to local classes will be very helpful. A teacher will be able to guide you in ways some youtube videos can’t.



Find your rhythm.

Pay attention to what your body feels like before an orgasm. At first it might feel like it’s all at once. Paying attention you will start to see ques your body is getting ready earlier. You will also start to see the nuances of the final stages as well. Discover them. Imagine that, masturbation can actually be a sex positive, health exploration that enriches your experience with future lovers. The more you explore the more you will discover just how complex the process of orgasm and ejaculation are. It is easy to think of it as one quick rushing thing. It is really it is a cascade of events that can be drawn out, stopped, or initiated. In fact orgasms and ejaculation are technically separate in men. We’ll get to that again later.

*Notes about porn. This is the step when men often turn to porn. We need to become aroused somehow but there are some issues to be aware of. One of the main issues with porn is that the it’s not real. Now we know this on a conscious level, but subconsciously we are still learning from what we are watching if we want to or not. I say this because not only are the methods of sex rarely the best for pleasure (they are for camera angles), but the non-verbal communication is way off. Imagine trying to learn how to read lips by watching an foreign film with bad dubbing. It won’t make any since, and you’ll start to learn the wrong language by accident.

That is what happens with porn. Non-verbal communication can’t be faked, so while they may be pretending to enjoy the moment, their bodies will be saying stop. In the United States we do a very poor job teaching nonverbal communication, so watch out. You don’t want to subconsciously learn the wrong subtle cues and be aloof to what your partners body is telling you. In a relationship a great way around this can be erotic pictures from your partner. You can let them in on it. Let them know you are looking to deepen your connection to them. Sex education films are often more consciously done with sex positive models (though they still may or not have been ready for any particular scene). Or nude art where you feel a genuine sense of joy from the model. Sadly, there is no standard or reporting for how the women, or men, actually feel so you can find yourself playing with fire a little. Just a thought…



Time to Practice!

What does it feel like before you have an orgasm? After you have spent some time just listening to your body, start to play with it. When you feel an orgasm coming on cease all stimulation. Shut off like you are stopping pee, move the energy into your hands. At first do this at the very first que. Do this sooner than you might think. Get used to stopping and feeling the energy you just cultivated move up and into your hands. When you can really feel the dissipation of energy and “reset” then start playing with getting closer and closer. Sometimes you won’t be able to stop, or will just prolong or for only a moment. That’s the practice. Really focus on the Qi gong and moving the energy from your penis up into your hands and out. Feel it going up the back of your spine, moving away from the root. Then relax. It’s normal to loose some of your erection here and to need to build up again.



Master the craft.

As this gets easier, don’t stop stimulation. Start moving the energy away at the first que of orgasm but maintain stimulation. This took me about a year or two to get. It’s harder with someone else. The truth is you’ll naturally go easy on yourself. You will subtlety slow just when needed. They won’t. That’s fine. Practice until you can reset to about 50 percent. Not so much that it’s as if you just started, but enough that you stopped the orgasm and are not on the edge of having another. Then practice this with others. Enjoy!

With a partner you also have another great addition to this process. Bring the energy to your hands and to them. Put your hand on their heart, or comb though their hair and send them all the energy that you have cultivated. Use these moments of resetting as a point of loving connection (Yep, way better than just thinking about something unsexy! They’ll fell the difference. )


  • The first stage is being able to reset a bit.
  • The second stage is being able to decide when you want to or don’t want to ejaculate.
  • The final stage of mastery is when you can orgasm without ejaculation. While possible, it’s very difficult and not all will be able to do this. It requires following all the steps above in the split second after an orgasm.

Things to watch out for:

While this assists in preventive measures for pregnancy, it is still possible to get someone pregnant even if you do not ejaculate in them. A small amount of pre-cum comes out to clear the urethra before ejaculation. This cannot be controlled, and can contain semen. Use normal procedures for birth control agreed upon with you and your partner ahead of time based on your sex practices and plans for pregnancy or risk of pregnancy you feel comfortable taking.

Don’t prolong every time you have sex. There are many types of sex, orgasms, and connections. Don’t always be in control. It took me way too long to learn this, but it is important for a lover to feel you loose yourself in their beauty and connection. Simply counting how many orgasms they have while you hold off won’t lead to the best connection for a partnership. It’s great some times, but not others. They partners love to feel your passion and exultation.

Don’t make sex about what you can or can’t do. This is not a game of egos. These are more like different colors of paint added to the pallet, more tools in the bag. Don’t use a hammer if you don’t need one. Just connect. It’s not about what’s possible, it’s about what feels good, loving. I’ve had sex where 1 orgasm was perfect, where it took 16 before she was satisfied and ready to cuddle, and everything in between. It’s fun to be able to have high numbers but more orgasms does not equal better sex. Not every body wants that. The best sex is an experience of love and connection that lasts with you. Sometimes the best sex involves no orgasms at all. I highly encourage men to not always ejaculate. I say this because sex should not be about getting you or them to an orgasm. It should be about connection. Besides a round or two of sex without orgasm can be a great tease and when you finally loose yourself to them can make them feel great.

Have lube available. Not the cheap stuff either. Spurge. Get something fancy that won’t get sticky. YES is a good company, or visit your local sex shop and try a few out. How wet a women is can vary through her cycle and often won’t last for longer sessions of making love. Sometimes this comes up, sometimes it doesn’t, but when it does having good lube on hand instantly becomes the best idea you ever had.

Make time. Here’s a point I could listen to myself. It is so easy to get caught up in life make more time for sex to be a real ceremony of connection. Even in relationship that have lots of sex, even sex every night or a few times a day, often can lack the luxurious ceremony of lovemaking. Set aside some time with intention and let the journey take you to unexpected places. Start off with a day of activities that connect you two, give your partner a massage, make love until you both feel satisfied, then cuddle and talk. Hold each other in that simmering love. If you are often too tired afterwards, then do this in the morning instead of at night.